I’m not in a good place. At all. I’ve been really down in the dumps. And the events of this week have not helped. 
It seems so easy to some people that I should just get up, dust myself off, and move forward. Life, has always been an anchor to me. I can’t move. I’m weighed down with worry about the unknown. Some people would look at what’s before me as an adventure. To me, it’s frightening. New home, new state, new lifestyle. New job, responsibilities and people. 
And im facing all of this without a reliable car, hardly any money, lots of debt, and very little support. My credit is horrid. My bank account doesn’t exist. My hours just got cut again at work. 
I’ve separated from my friends because of my anxiety and lack of self esteem. It’s too much pressure trying to fit in. 
I haven’t had a romantic life in 27 years because someone told me that I have nothing to offer a man. 
My son, his fiance and my grandson live in Arizona. That’s where I’m moving. Because they are my family. I love them. I hope they can love me back and help me through this transition. 
In the short time that I remain in Illinois I need to find a job, more money and a car or someone to fix the car I have. I would prefer to drive from here to AZ because it will most likely be the last time I’ll get to see parts of our great country. 
Once I get there I have to remain working until I die.

Pretty much all of the time. 

Some of the people around me have no clue how hard it is to feel defeated most of your days. I’m not stupid. Just overwhelmed. I’m a nervous wreck just watching the days pass by minute by minute. can’t explain it to you in any other terms. 

I’m lazy. That’s what you all think. In reality of can’t focus on the steps necessary needed to take to get the things done that would put me in a better place. 

People like to tease me and make me laugh. I try to do the same. And sometimes I’m an asshole. But then people are too. I get sad. Others do too. I’m not perfect. Some people are. Life is crazy. So am I. I have brown hair. Some people do too. Some people like me. I like people. I like animals. I’m a diabetic. I am fat. I am unhealthy. My doctor says I’m healthy. I should exercise. I hate sweat. I love to sleep. It brings me peace. I sleep too much. But it calms me. Life is strange. Death is eminent. Death will be the ultimate peace. Some day. Like the biggest nap I’ll ever take.

I have the hardest time making a commitment to most activities. I can list many things I’ve started and failed to finish. I usually start a project with gusto and then, as easily distracted, will drop the ball.

I’ve been thinking a lot about my weight. All 262 lbs of it. Maybe it’s because I’m exposed to athletic people daily. Maybe part of it is due to daily social media bombardment of diets, exercise, healthy eating. Plus, I want to wear dresses and look good in clothes. You all know how much we are advertised to here on FB and   other sites.

But mostly, I need to lose this excess weight because I feel lousy most of the time. My type 2 diabetes is somewhat controlled, but honestly I know it could be better. I have high blood pressure. Have had it since I was a teenager. Arthritis is prevalent in my back, my knees, my hips, my ankles. I have injuries to both shoulders and therefore my neck hurts. I can not go up a flight of stairs normally. Neither can I go down them. I go one foot at a time as if I was 20 years older than I actually am. Doing little things as carrying groceries, or even taking a shower exhaust me. Something has got to change. That something had better be my focus and commitment to be better. Feel better, work better, look better. Stay tuned.

Change = uncertainty. So-so easy for depression to sneak back in. It’s ugly to go through, and it makes me feel lost. You might say, “Snap out of it.”  And you may think it’s easy to just turn it all around. The depressive thinking. But this is not about what you think. It is all about what I think.I posted some thoughts earlier tonight on Facebook:

“It is our mind that creates the kind of life we live. If we think positively we will transform our life accordingly. Begin by becoming aware of your thoughts, and exchanging your negative thoughts with positive ones.

I know what’s going on. I know why I’m feeling lost again. I’m once again being tossed into the great pool of the unemployed. It may be this week, or next. I’m not sure. I would have liked to have at least another month or so to count on income. You see, I’m saving for a car of my own. I have been lucky and blessed to have a good friend transport me back and forth for work. Now that I’ll be working somewhere else it may not be possible to get that ride.

So what I need to do here is exchange the negative thoughts with positive ones.

  • I will find a great job
  • I like my new job
  • I will make good money
  • I own a car
  • I will have my own home
  • Life will be content
  • I am happy
  • I am loved

I often think of writing in this blog of mine, but always when I’m not on my computer. I thought of my friend Linda today and her blog. Thought I’d check it out and see what she is up to. She is being creative as always. More quilting and writing. It was great to see her over Thanksgiving when her and her husband Raymond came up from Tennessee for a visit

They brought me four loaves of the best rye bread in the world. It’s from Publix grocery store down in TN. Up north here I haven’t been able to find any bread comparable. The bread has a nice density with a crispy crust and bonus! -onions baked inside. It is good as use in a sandwich and great with just butter. I still have one loaf in the freezer and am planning on using some of it to make patty melts.

Christmas passed without too much hassle and surprisingly to my chagrin, I handled being away from my son Michael for our first Christmas apart. I’m a sentimentalist at heart and due to an unending chain of changes over the past ten years I march forward looking toward a future with more time with those I love so much. I was able to send Michael, Kelly and Aiden a package for Christmas with cookies I baked, strip cheese coffee cake from Jewel (Mike’s favorite) and some gifts for each of them. My favorite gift was the recordable book from Hallmark stores that I read to Aiden so that he could hear my voice.

This past year has been rocky and I’ll save you the boorishness of detail. Most of you are aware of most of it anyhow. I find that I am doing well and slowly recovering with the help of prayer, meditation, and positive thinking. Most of the time. I allow myself some room for improvement.

I’ve learned some interesting things about myself ~ I’m judgmental, argumentative, sensitive, and scared often. I want to spend my money as soon as I’ve earned it. I don’t let go easily. Turns out that I am my biggest rival. I think out loud, meaning, that I share too much with other people. I often look for acknowledgment when I am not sure of my own feelings. So, I’ve been biting my tongue more often lately. It goes along with the ‘ol saying that if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say it.  I still find that I’m a people- pleaser. I’m recognizing this though and doing more for myself as opposed to thinking of other people. This doesn’t mean I’ve lost compassion though. In fact as far as working as a caregiver I find it very rewarding knowing that I can make a difference in someone’s life.

I have made some progress in changing my thought processes. It’s a constant lesson.

What do I want? I want my own place and a car. When will I get it? As soon as I have enough money saved. When will I be at peace with myself? It’s happening a little more each day. Do I love you dear reader? Yes I do. Do I love myself? Yes I do!

 

 

 

I found this sign when I was out surfing today. It just says it all doesn’t it?

  1. A tropical vacation, ie: white sandy beach, clear water, balmy breeze
  2. a cozy country cottage
  3. an art studio
  4. a man who’ll appreciate me for ME
  5. long flowing skirts to fit my new lean body (think gypsy crossed with tre’chic)
  6. never ending music to warm my soul
  7. fresh fruit and veggies in abundance
  8. to live to 90
  9. Finding inner peace (it’s begun)
  10. just enough money to be comfortable in my living
  11. water front property
  12. everlasting love
  13. peace in my heart
  14. calorie free cookies
  15. and buckets of that Philly cheesecake filling (see #5. These are dreams)

For many years now I have made the choice to not grow up. I refuse to have blue hair or wear purple and red. It’s never gonna happen. I cringe at the thought of  dentures, the clapper and elastic stockings.  For me the thought of growing old makes me remember the smell of the nursing home where my grandmother unfortunately stayed for a few weeks back in 1983. One day I went to visit her and she begged me to let her come home. It wasn’t me that had put her there, but it was me who got her out and took care of her until she passed away seven months later.

So as for not wanting to grow up, I’ve done pretty well. But I’ve done it wrong. If you remember back a few posts I mentioned that I’m reading a motivational book that promises to help me find my strengths. It has turned out so far to be one of the best self help books I’ve read. The author doesn’t gloss over the words with any promise of shiny, sparkly, sunshine rainbows, but rather tells it like it is. I kinda like that.  And while I do have faith in my life and believe in a higher power, there are no promises of heaven, hell, or any existence of God and his or her effect on the outcome of my success. I kinda like that too.

The first lesson was to take full responsibility for my life. No blaming other people for where I am or who I have become. I can’t blame my parents, by ex’s, my friends, my co-workers, neighbors or anyone except myself. Any and all hurtful, painful, embarrassing situations have to be thrown aside. Relinquish the past to the past. To quote, “Each day a new beginning”. So in taking responsibility for myself all I can do is move forward.

And here I go.