Ch-ch-ch-changes

Change = uncertainty. So-so easy for depression to sneak back in. It’s ugly to go through, and it makes me feel lost. You might say, “Snap out of it.”  And you may think it’s easy to just turn it all around. The depressive thinking. But this is not about what you think. It is all about what I think.I posted some thoughts earlier tonight on Facebook:

“It is our mind that creates the kind of life we live. If we think positively we will transform our life accordingly. Begin by becoming aware of your thoughts, and exchanging your negative thoughts with positive ones.“

I know what’s going on. I know why I’m feeling lost again. I’m once again being tossed into the great pool of the unemployed. It may be this week, or next. I’m not sure. I would have liked to have at least another month or so to count on income. You see, I’m saving for a car of my own. I have been lucky and blessed to have a good friend transport me back and forth for work. Now that I’ll be working somewhere else it may not be possible to get that ride.

So what I need to do here is exchange the negative thoughts with positive ones.

• I will find a great job
• I like my new job
• I will make good money
• I own a car
• I will have my own home
• Life will be content
• I am happy
• I am loved

January Jibber Jabber

I often think of writing in this blog of mine, but always when I’m not on my computer. I thought of my friend Linda today and her blog. Thought I’d check it out and see what she is up to. She is being creative as always. More quilting and writing. It was great to see her over Thanksgiving when her and her husband Raymond came up from Tennessee for a visit

They brought me four loaves of the best rye bread in the world. It’s from Publix grocery store down in TN. Up north here I haven’t been able to find any bread comparable. The bread has a nice density with a crispy crust and bonus! -onions baked inside. It is good as use in a sandwich and great with just butter. I still have one loaf in the freezer and am planning on using some of it to make patty melts.

Christmas passed without too much hassle and surprisingly to my chagrin, I handled being away from my son Michael for our first Christmas apart. I’m a sentimentalist at heart and due to an unending chain of changes over the past ten years I march forward looking toward a future with more time with those I love so much. I was able to send Michael, Kelly and Aiden a package for Christmas with cookies I baked, strip cheese coffee cake from Jewel (Mike’s favorite) and some gifts for each of them. My favorite gift was the recordable book from Hallmark stores that I read to Aiden so that he could hear my voice.

This past year has been rocky and I’ll save you the boorishness of detail. Most of you are aware of most of it anyhow. I find that I am doing well and slowly recovering with the help of prayer, meditation, and positive thinking. Most of the time. I allow myself some room for improvement.

I’ve learned some interesting things about myself ~ I’m judgmental, argumentative, sensitive, and scared often. I want to spend my money as soon as I’ve earned it. I don’t let go easily. Turns out that I am my biggest rival. I think out loud, meaning, that I share too much with other people. I often look for acknowledgment when I am not sure of my own feelings. So, I’ve been biting my tongue more often lately. It goes along with the ‘ol saying that if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say it.  I still find that I’m a people- pleaser. I’m recognizing this though and doing more for myself as opposed to thinking of other people. This doesn’t mean I’ve lost compassion though. In fact as far as working as a caregiver I find it very rewarding knowing that I can make a difference in someone’s life.

I have made some progress in changing my thought processes. It’s a constant lesson.

What do I want? I want my own place and a car. When will I get it? As soon as I have enough money saved. When will I be at peace with myself? It’s happening a little more each day. Do I love you dear reader? Yes I do. Do I love myself? Yes I do!

 

 

 

I found this sign when I was out surfing today. It just says it all doesn’t it?

A list of dreams

1. A tropical vacation, ie: white sandy beach, clear water, balmy breeze
2. a cozy country cottage
3. an art studio
4. a man who’ll appreciate me for ME
5. long flowing skirts to fit my new lean body (think gypsy crossed with tre’chic)
6. never ending music to warm my soul
7. fresh fruit and veggies in abundance
8. to live to 90
9. Finding inner peace (it’s begun)
10. just enough money to be comfortable in my living
11. water front property
12. everlasting love
13. peace in my heart
14. calorie free cookies
15. and buckets of that Philly cheesecake filling (see #5. These are dreams)

To evolve

For many years now I have made the choice to not grow up. I refuse to have blue hair or wear purple and red. It’s never gonna happen. I cringe at the thought of  dentures, the clapper and elastic stockings.  For me the thought of growing old makes me remember the smell of the nursing home where my grandmother unfortunately stayed for a few weeks back in 1983. One day I went to visit her and she begged me to let her come home. It wasn’t me that had put her there, but it was me who got her out and took care of her until she passed away seven months later.

So as for not wanting to grow up, I’ve done pretty well. But I’ve done it wrong. If you remember back a few posts I mentioned that I’m reading a motivational book that promises to help me find my strengths. It has turned out so far to be one of the best self help books I’ve read. The author doesn’t gloss over the words with any promise of shiny, sparkly, sunshine rainbows, but rather tells it like it is. I kinda like that.  And while I do have faith in my life and believe in a higher power, there are no promises of heaven, hell, or any existence of God and his or her effect on the outcome of my success. I kinda like that too.

The first lesson was to take full responsibility for my life. No blaming other people for where I am or who I have become. I can’t blame my parents, by ex’s, my friends, my co-workers, neighbors or anyone except myself. Any and all hurtful, painful, embarrassing situations have to be thrown aside. Relinquish the past to the past. To quote, “Each day a new beginning”. So in taking responsibility for myself all I can do is move forward.

And here I go.

A list of wishes

1. A job, any job
2. My drivers license
3. a vehicle
4. my own place
5. some new clothes
6. healthy teeth
7. medical care
8. a bike
9. a garden
10. better camera
11. art class
12. a kiss
13. airfare
14. chocolate
15. new gymmies

Not doing good right now

Lately i feel as if I’m going to crawl out of my own skin. I’m extremely nervous and holding all of my feelings inside because I can’t afford to lose control.

I’m so angry. And bitter. I hate myself. I hate this whole fucked up mess of my life. I know I’m trying to change but dammit I’m not perfect. If I regress should I condemn myself. There are so many demons inside of me. I’m mad as hell. I hate the fact that Michael and Kelly took Aiden and moved away. I hate that Alicia abandoned me when I needed her most.

My mind cannot function the way everyone thinks it should. I need some help and have no support. Between the whole food stamp issue and lack of medical care not to mention my teeth. It just is really shitty. And the world is so fucked up.

I can’t sleep at night because I think about all of the bad stuff I’ve done. And I can’t sleep because I’m afraid I’m going to die alone. I have no one really. If I wasn’t living here with my friends and was on my own no one would miss me. I’d lie dead for days before someone would smell the stink.  I think I’m being punished via karma right now for my sins. I pray, and pray and it won’t go away.

just for fun

The other side of the fence

It seems that when you think your life couldn’t possibly get worse it does sometimes. And you look around and it seems like everyone you see has it going on much more than you do. Or, they have more than you do. Maybe a nice house, some nice cars, clothes and other belongings. They’re in a seemingly good, loving marriage with 2.5 children, a dog and a cat. It’s a picture perfect postcard life.

There are times I complain and feel sorry for myself. I’ll admit it here folks. I have regular pity parties. I don’t dress up for them. There are no horns or hats, no cake, no presents. But they are my own little parties.  And dammit I’ll cry if I want to. I don’t expect you to cry along with me however, it would be really nice if you could lend a shoulder though.

I recently renewed contact with an old friend. Her life has been challenging for as long as I can remember. Her son who is about the same age as mine was born with cerebral palsy. Since his birth she has maintained his life with all the energy it has required. He has been tube fed since he was about a year old. As I recall it was determined he wasn’t getting significant nutrition by mouth. As he grew there were struggles with transporting him, and bathing him. Still my friend never complained. As friends others and myself supported her as much as possible. There were several times we spoke with her to encourage her to keep going. She occasionally questioned her faith in God. Why would he give her a son with this disease? I will mention at this time that there is a daughter. She is a few years older, smart, funny, beautiful and as of now a college graduate, engaged to be married. It seemed as if God granted grace upon the girl and chose the second child, the son, to prove grace could be attained with vigilance. For you see, my friend has always shown grace as far as I’m concerned. She is herself an angel. Her heart is loving. Her soul is bright. She can bring a smile to your face just by being in the room.

In my recent correspondence with her I found out that even more challenges have been bestowed on her. Last year in 2009 her son was in and out of the hospital, their house flooded, and her husband suffered a stroke. Then just this past July the house again flooded and they lost many of their belongings. According to what she said her husband also is being fed via feeding tube and according to the doctor may never be able to swallow again.

I can’t honestly look at myself with any amount of pity when I think of this. I’m not sure there is anything that could make her life better. Except maybe prayer. And a shoulder.

A List of My Successes

1. I won the blue ribbon for the dead man’s float at Riverside day camp
2. I graduated grade school and high school
3. Learned to drive
4. I taught myself to draw and paint
5. Learned floral arranging from Serena
6. Bought my own home at the age of 32
7. I held a job for nine years and was promoted within
8. Learned cake decorating and made a bit of money doing it
9. Took scuba diving lessons
10. Made some good friends
11. Most importantly – gave birth to and raised my son, Michael